have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I should be sponsored by Trojan
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
