You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
