Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
