I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
this just has baby written all over it
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize