My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize