Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just pee around me
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
