I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
