Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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