Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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