i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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