I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
