The best revenge is premature balding
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
