complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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