I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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