I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
