Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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