I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The police scanner is talking about you again....
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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