Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
