Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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