note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
