When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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