can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
