I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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