I just made out with a guy for $7.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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