So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
