Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
