No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
