I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
