I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
