i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
