well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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