i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize