I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
