I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
