i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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