I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
