i think i have herpe
just one?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Let's get the cat blown out
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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