Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
