you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
