I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
