Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize