I'm eating all of the evidence.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize