Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
