the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
