Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
