i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
