Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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