How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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