Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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