i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize