youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
