so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
