I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
