Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
