He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
