i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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